we are the brave

This is me saying I can do it, because I can.

F

The weekend before my first real exam over half a decade ago was hell. I remember London at night, the dread, the soup kitchen, the tears. Tonight, a couple of days before a fairly important exam (extremely important compared to that first one) I set out to go to the library, stopped half way and spent the evening drinking and laughing instead.

At the start of this year I used to think about living each day, I wrote about how I thought this year could be different, how I could break my pattern of fear. I think I have. I’ve worked unbelievably hard recently, harder than ever before, but I’ve got a buzz from it. I don’t feel stressed beyond belief, I actually feel like I’m taking it in my stride.

I’m taking it in my stride. I’m taking it in my stride. And that feels good.

it’s difficult fighting your every instinct to be meticulous and ordered and in control, it’s important to let yourself find adventure in the fact that you’ve got a plane ticket booked across the world and you don’t know where you’re going, and to in the fact that you’re studying abroad with nowhere to live, enjoy the unknown, because that is where the adventure lies.

speaking french and drinking wine because I can.

Oh, and you know that hold you used to have over me? Well, you don’t anymore.

Also A said I over-achieve, a concept I’d never before given any thought. But now I understand that it is possible to achieve too much, at least in the conventional sense of the word. Sometimes you have to lose 5% of that essay because you want 5 minutes more sleep. I understand, I understand.

wonders of the world

I snorkelled the great barrier reef of Australia, terrified of reef sharks, mesmerized by the colourful silence. It was breathtakingly beautiful. But somehow the memory of that car salesman who made jokes with us as we sat on garden chairs outside his office is just as vivid in my mind. As is that little bar where the waiters gave out cardboard boxes so we could pack up our calimari and run to the seafront to watch the sun set. It’s strange that a dark and winding forest road, an empty McDonalds and kookaburras on the power lines are just as beautiful to me as the hundreds and thousands of rainbow fish.

It’s strange to think how the wonders of our worlds could be worlds apart. And the moments that are supposed to be the most important of our lives can be overshadowed by the memory of that day spent pirouetting around the kitchen to Lady Gaga at the end of summer.

Remember to set you own standards, chase your own wonders and don’t let your stepping stones lead towards something that isn’t beautiful to you. In fact don’t let your stepping stones lead you anywhere, because that in itself requires you to head towards a destination, a standard, a wonder that is not quite your own.

today started with that tight knot in my stomach and a million and one articles to read. somewhere at the beginning i saw that boy walking into aldi and i looked the other way. somewhere in the middle i was giggling with a good friend as we helped ourselves to several too many free pens. somewhere near the end i bumped into that boy and played it just as cool as he did. i hugged j as we walked home in the sunshine and told her i only thought about him because i was bored, but he hasn’t scratched the surface of my soul. today ended with plenty of laughs with my pixellated best friend on my laptop screen. BEST FRIENDS ARE THE BEST FOREVER.

Back in the Glasshouse Mountains with the only boy I’ve ever loved

My nose is covered in freckles and my eyes are shining, both faded a few weeks after I touched down on this smaller, greener island. That was two years ago, it’s difficult because I’m not sure my eyes have shined like that since. I’m not still in love with you, but when I remember how we loved and how awesome you were and are, I almost wish I was. My freckles have faded and my heart has hardened and I doubt your different hair colour is the only part of you that’s changed. Whether our story is over for now or forever, I don’t know. But I wouldn’t mind going back to those mountain roads in that little blue car with the music and dancing and all of that love.

even when you have friends who walk into doors and who giggle all the way through the film, sometimes when you come back after a long, long day you just need family.